The Art in Falling Apart

i want to tell a story
Of the time i fell apart
And how the pieces landed
To form a work of art

The tale does not begin
With a moment and a person
But in a world i built
And a reason for aversion

All my youth i knew
That the person deep within
Took comfort in the difference
Between others and my kin

i did not seek to be
Someone who i had met
Nor bend to every whim
Of friend who placed a bet

i feared no outside ways
That others chose to think
Or how they saw my soul-
An eccentric little thing

No book was filled to brim
Of contact to confide
i kept my circle small
To enjoy a shorter ride

Friend to all who’d ask
But far from close to all
My trust was only given
To those who’d catch my fall

My heart i gave out freely
To love- in all it’s ways
But always locked up tight
So it would not start to fray

There only were the two
Who’d seen my heart completely
They took advantage of it’s warmth
So i ducked away discretely

Life was an adventure
But i always had a purpose
To chase my dreams and see
The potential beneath the surface

On a night in college
i heard a soul that called
He swept my heart away
And broke down all my walls

The day he took my hand
And led me through the crowd
i heard my soul start singing
A song so strong and loud

That night was just the first
Of many that we’d share
And all the special moments
That were scattered here and there

To him i gave my hand
As i did on that first day
To lead me through adventure
And make path to our own way

Three times we saw the birth
Of our love in tiny eyes
And grew to be the parents
We dreamed of all our lives

Everything a blessing
Earned with long hard work
All item we collected
And the pride within our dirt

But all the while i’d taken
Backseat to things in life
The person i became
Was no more than mom and wife

i lost all recollection
Of who i had once been
And found myself so lost
In an unfamiliar skin

Life was full of meaning
All with unmatched beauty
i found myself at distance
And repeating all my duty

That is what life became
In the decade that had passed
A list of daily favors
All joy became a task

Then one day it happened
i heard a cry for help
My soul became alarm
i kept tucked up on a shelf

Within the quiet plea
So faint when it first started
i remembered who i was
And why my soul departed

The soul i keep inside
That makes me who i am
Never fit into a life
Like the one that had now been

Hid away and guarded
For reason pure of cause
My soul was only waiting
For life to take it’s pause

When life- in time- did wait
And everything was settled
i let my soul be free
But it began to mettle

My soul took charge of life-
It took the wheel by force
And in a single moment
It judged my life and worth

“What had I become?”
It asked with bated breath
“Where had I been led?”
And “What happened to our quest?”

i listed all the things
All the ways i held my pride
And realized very quickly
All the ways i never tried

My list was full of wonder
All beautiful and sweet
One by one they added up
To a life void of me

Not a life without my part
Nor reason to lack devotion
But a life without my being-
No purpose in my motion

i lost all life’s ambition
Somewhere along the road
Somehow i just stopped caring
About my place within the world

Day by day i gave
My life away to all
Each breath became a token
A payment for my fall

When all the weight i feared
Came tumbling from the eaves
i braced- but broke to pieces
Like a tree sheds it’s leaves

My soul stood by to watch
It’s shell start its descent
Piece by piece it drifted
And blew away upon the wind

As the breeze had carried
The final piece away for good
My soul turned away and carved
A new vessel made of wood

While it was constructed
And detail added in
My life was in a hole
For which, i’d never been

The hole was filled with hatred
Lined with vanity and lust
It’s bottom caked in greed
And all seam was filled with rust

Sitting in that hole- i had
Chance to grab perspective
To look at all the factors
And weigh each one- respective

The love that i once knew
Was lost with broken shell
And what was left became
A toxin tainted spell

As if a switch had flipped
And that moment brought clear sight
My soul complete it’s project
And i climbed with all my might

Emerging up above, i saw
The life and change i needed
With soul renewed- i took my life
And old me was then deleted

i knew the path ahead
Was not what was prepared
But courage gave me leap
And ambition gave me air

i made the choice i had to
For change in times to ahead
i broke two hearts at once
When my heart abandoned wed

The hardest times were coming
For this i had no doubt
My soul was all alone
No other to seek out

Scared of what came next
And lost without a list
i had no new direction
No dream, no hope, nor wish

i wandered in the home
The only one i now knew
Without option for retreat
Or chance for work to do

i had chosen to take break
From career path i had chosen
And now i sat with nothing
For the journey i awoken

Lost and scared, i wallowed
Feeling trapped by own design
i felt as if i suffocated
By the world i thought was mine

Then fate gave hope a chance
It lent the kindest smile
i found the dearest friend
A soul with my own style

He came into my world
And brought the air for breath
His friendship gave my soul
The courage to take step

No comparison could be made
To the bond we quickly built
We kept each other steady
When our worlds began to tilt

Our circumstances shared
Similarities close in level
And who we are as people
Matched up with all our bevels

My soul was captivated
With connection and fresh air
Affirmation came as comfort
And the bond became declared

i heeded all the warnings
And set my heart aside
i told of all emotions
That i dare not try and hide

Honesty was all i gave
With confession of a flame
He made my heart awaken
In so many different ways

Halt was brought to progress
With a mutual agreement
That neither soul could open
Heart freely in the moment

Bond then grew so close
Trust was traded easily
We grew to know each other
As if we’d always been

In our separate battles
Both similar and not
We hit a tragic moment
And comfort was then sought

No word had needed speaking
We knew we’d made a choice
To take a chance at smiling
And follow inner voice

Our souls had forgotten
What it felt to be alive
And for the briefest moment
We both began to fly

When risk was the choice taken
Understanding was all we had
To not go any further
To just smile and be glad

The choice we made felt right
But wrong- just the same
He still fought heated battle
And our friendship couldn’t stay

It was the quickest moment
The one we chose to have
It lasted just a second
In the scope of what we had

My journey had continued
Through the building of a bond
Steps were being taken
To rebuild and move along

i found a place of peace
With only self to credit
i knew i’d won my battle
And no longer lived to dread it

But in that same found peace
A war began to rage
The bond with friend was broken
And we lost our place on page

Honesty was all i asked
Throughout the whole relation
But once revealed- the lack of truth
Is what caused my loss of station

High with sense of purpose
And floating in day dream
The bond we had was shattered
And all hope was ripped from me

i was left within a moment
To sit in disbelief
That all the trust i’d given
Was used to give him glee

Every time he spoke
Of bond and heart that pounded
Was just a game he played
To keep himself well grounded

The man i thought i knew
Lent only sense of fault
The words he left me with
Brought heart and mind to halt

Who was this man now speaking?
Not a single thing familiar
i sat in speechless wonder
As my bond became a liar

i bit my tongue and  gave farewell
Staying level- my only strength
i accepted the end as what it was
And gave my understanding

All that was left for me to do
Was cower away in defeat
How could i trust a lion
Or worse- could trust a sheep

So back to life i went
A journey fresh and new
To wonder if i’d faltered
To trust soul i thought i knew

i forced myself to think
Of anything but him
But something deep inside me
Showed weakness in a whim

My strong will broke it’s hold
More times than i had wanted
i sought a word of comfort
From the friend with which i’d bonded

But nothing made headway
To path on route to closure
Every thought became confusion
That i’d carry on my shoulder

The fall that i had mentioned
That gave way to work of art
Was not the broken vessel
But when heart was torn apart

A week or so had passed
When the loss of friend had calmed
i sat on lover’s day of saint
As my thoughts lead to qualm

A simple realization
Then hit me on the head
Of something not accepted
And a thought i put to rest

Something you should know
About this soul of mine
Before you read of my fall
And how i lost my mind

My heart feels things too deeply
When i choose to set it free
An empath with no limit
Or way to scale degree

i choose to keep it locked away
For fear of this occasion
It’s easier to just miss out on
Feeling love’s sweet passion

So when i came to realize
That i’d let down all my guard
And gave my heart so freely
To a man without a cause

i took step back to view
The new vessel i had taken
It’s glory was still standing
But it couldn’t be mistaken

Upon a closer look
My heart stopped mid-beat
A piece had gone missing
And vessel was not complete

i didn’t break apart, right then
i held myself together
i took all action to remove
All memory and tether

Blinded by success
On the road i took ahead
i convinced myself of healing
The hole that he had left

But on one quiet night
i tucked away in peace
And retreated for the evening
To weep into my sheets

For in that final thought
i gave away every chance
To retrieve a stolen part of me
And become whole again in stance

It was not him that broke me
Nor longing for what was lost
It was the moment that i saw
That i paid the hefty cost

The fall felt never ending
No landing near in sight
i fell in mind and feeling
With no view of my soul’s light

The darkness overcame me
It seeped in through every crack
The light inside- once gleaming
Was now under attack

i fought with all i had
To fend off darkest plague-
The thought of always lacking
The wholeness that he gave

i let go of all i had
And dropped all treasured passion
i chose to step away
From the things that kept me passive

When i had let go
Of all i held so dearly
The light began to grow
And i started seeing clearly

Before i felt the wholeness
That was never mine to have
i knew of all the power
And potential that i had

i fooled myself to think
The he became the reason
For all the growth i’d had
And all the ways that i had risen

i realized all he did
Was grant clear sight to see
Everything i was inside
And all that i could be

Though i’ll never be
Complete and whole again
The hole is a reminder
Of the glasses he had been

The fall that i had suffered
Erased all mark on canvas
It paved the way for journey
And space to build new palace

From that fall from grace
i found peace inside, once more
i landed on both feet
To conquer everything in store

i began to grasp the growth
Of the soul i held inside
And all the changes needed
To let it breathe and thrive

i once gave heart to all
To share a love with many
But now i knew the limit
Of the growth that gave me plenty

This new vessel that i carry
And the heart it now protects
Is meant to find its mate
In a soul where it connects

i came to see the reason
My soul chose wooden shell
For on my new adventure
It’s wood will weather well

i can carve and i can mark
Each memory to keep
And mend any damage
When i dare to take a leap

i am made of stronger base
To build into a wonder
And face the world without the fear
That it would ever come to crumble

It still holds place of honor
For a man that broke piece off
i never wish for memory
To fade away with loss

i’ll always care and worry
For the man that walked away
i keep him at a distance
i’ve not sought status update

The faith in known connection
Grants comfort that’s enough
To know the life he’s living
And that his soul is just as tough

Although my vessel has been marked
By the fallout and it’s stones
And trusted friends, now tainted
By the many broken bones

i know on path ahead
My soul will stay within
And hold the truth of all the hate
That tried so hard to win

i said farewell to hope
Of ever knowing truth
Of why i gave heart freely
To a man who was untrue

It challenged my own self worth
That my soul had just acquired
But now the table turns
To the worth i now admire

i started fighting battle
Where once i did concede
i no longer let myself
Take wound and start to bleed

i took control of life again
i vowed to prove i matter
And now i stand and view
All the pieces that were scattered

Each part holds a time
That shaped who i am now
Every tiny piece of leaf
Is a trophy to show how

I’ve gathered every one
To carry day by day
And glance upon the work of art
When my journey goes astray

My life is lived in moment
i take them as they come
Each one a new beginning
A song that is unsung

i know my unplanned travel
Will not always stay in line
Or be what was expected
Of the ways i’ve spent my time

But on this new adventure
To find my place and home
i’ll have strong souls beside me
And i will never be alone

i’ve found that when you fall
No matter at what distance
It opens up to truth
The ones that are consistent

My book will not be filled
With contacts to confide
My circle still stays small
But is now a longer ride

Time has told a story
Of how some things will sway
But i now see all that’s sturdy
And all that’s here to stay

As i look around me
From the shell that lends me safety
i see that loves’ surrounding
This new vessel on it’s journey

I glance back at the work of art
Built of all things past
And take comfort in the knowledge
Of what is built to last

And even if what happens
On this path that’s so uncertain
Is not what was foreseen
i know i’ve shed all burden

i now look in the mirror
To see hope for my best
And every turn that’s taken
Will lead my soul to rest

My story is full of questions
And vague in ways- to most
Its verses lead to judgement
Of a soul i will not boast

But within it’s words and lines
A truth is now set straight
And the stones thrown in discomfort
Have lost all of their weight

My strength is holding steady
In the wake of what has happened
All the false assumptions
Can now come to an end

It could have happened sooner
If mind were paid to side
It only took request
Of knowledge that is behind

i will never be the person
Described in words so cruel
Or bend myself back over
For a liar and a fool

i’ll only ever be a book
Whose cover hides no secret
Open for the world to read
Of a life with no regret

Respect has lent a guise
Which had brought with the belief
That words i speak are poison
That lies beneath these sheets

But how you judge my actions
And choose to make assumption
Is a poison in yourself
Not caused by all my gumption

i choose to carry truth
In all words i speak aloud
i hide no ill intent
Behind some ornate shroud

i love with all my heart
Sometimes, my greatest flaw
i see the purest souls
Beneath extended claw

My eyes see all the beauty
That’s hidden in the dark
And my soul fights worthy battle
When it sees that beauty spark

My heart feels the aura
Of even souls most hidden
It blindly holds out hope
For all stories left unwritten

i choose a level stance
When storm brings wave to motion
And listen to the message
That hides behind emotion

If you choose to use
This vessel as a tool
Remember who i am
And how i keep my cool

Depend on me for knowing
The truth behind the words
And never losing faith
When word becomes a sword

If a friend does cast
A net in need of help
i’ll always be beside them
To remind them of their wealth

i’ll be a friend to you
Like all i have before
i will embrace you as you are
And leave judgement at the door

i will be your biggest fan
And cheer from all sideline
i will pick your soul back up
As you preach of being fine

i will tell you how it is
Even if it has to hurt
i’ll dust off all the wreckage
When you start to doubt your worth

If you lose yourself
And float off to the clouds
i’ll be the one to catch you
And anchor you on ground

i choose to be the person
On whom you can depend
And shoulder weight of burden
So you can still defend

i will be loyal companion
For all dangerous adventure
And never walk away
When your thoughts become unsure

When you doubt your action
Or thought keeps crossing mind
i will be a reassurance
And keep your thoughts in line

And if you come to realize
That a choice you made was ill
i’ll be the voice of reason
And feed you jagged pill

i am all of these things
And still i’m so much more
i’ve made myself complete
With all wounds that have tore

If you ever wonder
Or doubt my brilliant shine
Just remember i have no reason,
Nor demons, left to hide

My story still goes on
As i grow with every day
And remember all the artwork
That shaped my soul this way

By Rachel Camp 04.28.2019

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